Those crazy Phans
by Crimson Siyrean
Summary: After many years Christine returns to the the opera house to find it over run with Phans and Phanfic writers all attempting to get there favorite characters to play out their ideas.
1. Coming home

Disclaimer: I don't own POTO hence the whole fanfiction thing. *Shrugs*  
  
A/N: Ok, I'm attempting another humor fic... my previous Erik vs. Raoul one is no longer up but there is a link posted to where it can be found in my profile ^_^ Anyways, I got a new idea! Why not just make fun of us! Well more specifically some of the common elements that show up in our stories, ranging from all genres'. So I'm not targeting anything specifically and actually the only time I even get somewhat specific is when I'm poking fun at my own fics, so I really don't think this should offend anyone. I've already written a bunch of scenarios so this will be updated fairly quickly.  
  
~*~ Coming Home ~*~  
  
It was the year 2004 and Christine, with her head held high, approached the Paris opera house. Since she was a fictitious literary character she was still alive and well, just like all her fellow characters. But perpetual life can get dull and it seemed that more and more, these characters were returning to their old domains.  
  
It had happened many, many years ago to Raoul, he had returned to the opera but Christine at the time still did not wish to face the demons of her past. Now though, now was different. She would come home.  
  
She entered the building to be greeted by an odd sight, it seemed there were many other people, non fictional people, there as well... mainly girls. Many, many, teenage, hyperactive, hormone driven young girls could be seen running about all areas of the opera in there modern day clothes, and giggling loudly.  
  
Christine really didn't know what to make of this but simply shrugged and began to look for a familiar face. She had been gone a long time, and many things could change, this was obviously one of them.  
  
"It's Christine!" Came a squeal from the left. Christine turned in hope to see a former acquaintance but instead was met by a stampede of Phan girls.  
  
"Wait, Christine isn't blonde." A girl in the back mentioned much to Christine's irritation.  
  
"Oh shut up newbie." Came another.  
  
Just then one of the girls grabbed Christine by the hand and started dragging her to the auditorium and up onto the stage. "Come on now, you've got to meet everyone! They're going to be so happy when they see you."  
  
Christine looked around confused once she was on the stage when a male voice from her left caught her attention.  
  
"Christine?" she tuned to see Raoul standing there, bright eyed and with a wide grin. There were four girls closely behind him that broke out into quite giggles when they saw the two and began shoving Raoul towards her in excitement.  
  
Trying to maintain his balance, Raoul stumbled forward and beheld his former wife. Christine ignoring the odd girls looking on and holding there breath in anticipation, smiled widely at the incredibly handsome man before her. "It's been a long time Raoul." She answered shyly.  
  
"Yes, it has." He said, stepping close to her, their crystal blue eyes gazing helplessly into each other's. His hand came up and hesitantly rested upon the side of her face. Her eyes closed at his touch, enjoying the sensation as he brought his head down to hers. He was about to kiss her lightly parted lips when I high pitched girls maniacal laughter caught his attention. He looked up just in time to see a light fixture come crashing down over him.  
  
Half a dozen screams could be heard as the fixture just missed crushing the Vicomte. The four girls were momentarily stunned but then rushed to their beloved Raoul's side.  
  
"Oh my god. Raoul are you alright?" Cried Christine, frantically looking around. He could have been killed!  
  
"Oh, no! She ruined it!" Came one of the girls.  
  
"Damn them, they nearly got him that time and just when they were going to kiss!"  
  
"Erik really needs to learn to keep his girls on a leash if he can't control them." Stated another as the four stood together and glared and the surrounding Phan girls who were looking on curiously.  
  
Christine perked up at this. "Erik? Girls? You mean he had something to do with this?"  
  
Raoul, who had grown used to the constant attempts on his life, tried to calm her a bit. "A lot has changed here Christine. We have fans now, these four are mine." The four girls stood proudly and nodded to show their approval of Christine. "The few hundred others that you will see roaming about this place, are Erik's."  
  
Christine was completely baffled as took in the site of all the girls. Erik's fans? But he was the villain of the story! This didn't make any sense at all. "She tried to kill you." She said suddenly as if it had just hit her what happened.  
  
"Yes, they tend to do that..." he replied.  
  
"But don't worry Christine, we take good care of your Vicomte for you." One of the four proudly exclaimed.  
  
"Oh don't take us the wrong way, we're pure R/C shippers, so no competition here..." came another as she noticed Christine's odd look. "Not that we don't appreciate those gorgeous baby blues, lushes blond locks, firm muscular body..." She then just kind of trailed off into dazed out stare looking at Raoul.  
  
"They follow me everywhere, but it's not that bad really... you should see Erik, all the poor guy wants is his privacy these days." Raoul started to giggle lightly as a picture of a very annoyed Erik attempting to swat away a hundred or so teenage Phan girls like flies popped into his head.  
  
Christine frowned, she was not sure she liked this new opera house. "I think I should tell him personally that I've returned."  
  
At once another girl appeared at her side. "Great! I'll take you straight to him." She took her hand and started to drag her away. Christine gave a half smile to Raoul before continuing on her way. He simply sighed knowing she would be in for many more surprises today.  
  
~*~  
  
Please R&R @----  
  
Trust me, it gets better... 


	2. Repressed feelings

~*~  
  
Repressed feelings  
  
~*~  
  
On the way down Christine and the girl were joined by two other girls who seemed to know each other well. As they walked along the three girls chatted quietly to their selves and kept giving Christine odd looks, making her very uneasy.  
  
Unable to stand being talked with her right there Christine decided that she would initiate the conversation. "So, you guys are Phans right?" she asked with a smile.  
  
"Oh we're more then just that," replied one of the girls. "We're Phan fic writers." The three all grinned and nodded.  
  
"Phan fic writers?"  
  
"Yep," came another of the girls. "We're the E/C shippers. I'm known as Fluff or Fluffy... which ever you prefer. And that's Sensual, and Smut." The three girls took their time to shake Christine's hand.  
  
Christine was still confused. "Well it's nice to meet you, but I'm still not sure I follow."  
  
"Well you see," answered Sensual, as they began to pick up their pace a little. "We believe that you and Erik were meant to be together so we're going to help make that happen."  
  
"Me and Erik? Oh no, you must have some mistake..."  
  
"Not at all, you just need to spend more time with him to realize your true feelings," replied Fluff.  
  
"In truth, that underlying tension you always felt when you were around him was actually your own lust towards him... you just didn't know it then. Now that you've been with Raoul and are no longer a virgin, you'll come to understand it," added Smut casually.  
  
Christine flushed angrily that such an assumption could be made. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Even if you don't think you love him, once you've rekindled your friendship it'll hit. Just sing together again and it'll be there." Sensual smiled and then lead her on to the small dock where the boat was usually tied.  
  
The four girls huddled around the edge of the lake, Christine not at all amused by their theories. "There's no boat," she said calmly.  
  
"That's the point, see you're going to swim across and there for prove your love and devotion." Fluff proudly stated.  
  
"And if we're lucky you'll pass out once you get there in your freezing clothes and he'll have to change them for you." piped in Smut.  
  
Christine did not look impressed. "You're kidding right? All I want to do is talk to the man, not make up or make out with him for that matter, and besides I can't swim."  
  
"Don't be ridicules of course you can swim." Sensual replied.  
  
"No, I can't."  
  
Bored, Smutty came out to the front of the group and stood beside Christine. "Oh quit stalling and get in there."  
  
"Perhaps she should take some layers of clothing off first." Fluffy questioned timidly.  
  
"Why Fluff, you little vixen, I knew you had it in you!" Smut grinned widely.  
  
"No, I mean so that she can swim better."  
  
"I told you already, I can't swim!" came Christine's voice.  
  
"Nonsense, she can swim fine," Smut began while ignoring Christine's protests. "See."  
  
There was a cry from Christine as Smutty pushed her off the side and into the lake. "Help! *gurgle, splash, gurgle* I can't *gurgle* I can't swim. *splash, splash, gurgle*"  
  
The three girls slowly looked down and watched with confused expressions as Christine attempted to stay afloat, though all they could really see was a vast amount of material from her skirts blooming up around her hair.  
  
"Uh, I don't think she can swim guys," noted Sensual as Christine made a few more gasps for breath.  
  
Smutty stamped furiously, "Damn it! Now how's she supposed to get laid!"  
  
The three girls attentions were momentarily distracted as the sound of someone chanting, "drown, drown, drown, drown..." was heard in the distance.  
  
Sensual looked around and could just see fic writers Bitter Sweet and Tragedy hiding in the corner, looking excited. "See what you've done! Now we've gone and helped those two psychos. They'll never let us live this down."  
  
Again Christine's cries could be heard from the lake. "Help! *splash, gurgle* Why aren't you helping me!"  
  
Fluff jumped up with excitement, "Wait guys, this could turn out better then we thought!" The other girls watched her curiously as she began to shout, "ERIK! ERIK, CHRISTINE IS DROWNING AND IN NEED OF AN ENCREDIBLY SEXY SOCIAL RECLUSE TO SAVE HER... PREFERABLY IN VERY LITTLE CLOTHING... OR NONE AT ALL..."  
  
The other girls gave her a pat on the back and congratulated her for such a wonderful idea.  
  
Erik having heard the shouts immediately came out of his house followed by an entourage of about 50 Phan girls looking on with big dreamy eyes. Christine? Here? Well there was no time to think of it now.  
  
"Oh he's going to go save Christine!" squealed random Phan #246.  
  
"How romantic!" Exclaimed another.  
  
Erik just rolled his eyes and tried to ignore his followers. Knowing he would get there much faster if he took his shirt off, he began to unbutton the collar and braced him self for the barrage of giggles and squeals, which just as he expected, began on queue as his hand lifted to his neck.  
  
All the girls watched in awe as Erik swiftly removed his shirt and did a perfect Olympic dive into the lake. Giggles, swoons, and sighs all overlapped each other while random Phans #9477, 374, 5989, and 689 fainted where they stood.  
  
"I live for days like this!" one of them exclaimed.  
  
"God damn I want him!" came another.  
  
"His ass is so sexy."  
  
"Oh, and those eyes."  
  
"And those hands!"  
  
"Why does he always have to go for Christine? I would love him despite his face." All the girls concurred at once at this while still staring dreamy eyed out across the lake.  
  
~*~  
  
Please R&R @----- 


	3. I can't find my cat

~*~  
  
I can't find my cat  
  
~*~  
  
It did not take Erik long to reach the other side of the lake and pull Christine from the water. Fluff, Sensual, and Smut all grinned mischievously as they watched their masked hero hold Christine close as he moved her to a more comfortable position on the floor. There was no response from Christine.  
  
"Christine? Christine?" he called as he began to shake her roughly in an attempt to receive some sort of response.  
  
"Give her mouth to mouth..." called Smut who then received a furious glare from Erik, shutting her up sufficiently. Just then Christine started coughing violently and opened her eyes to meet a bare-chested Erik, hovering over her in concern.  
  
"Christine, are you all right?" he asked while bushing her wet locks from her face. She nodded silently and propped herself up against the wall. There were the three girls still standing closely by, with eyes wide but she also noticed another two standing off, giving her a very distasteful glare.  
  
"Crap, she lives." Bitter Sweet said to Tragedy, still watching the scene with a keen eye. "We'll just have to do this ourselves."  
  
"Indeed." Was her friends' only reply.  
  
"I know that look, you're planning something. Tell me, how does it end?"  
  
Tragedy smiled back at her friend, a gleam in her eye. "I was thinking, perhaps something – ironic?"  
  
Bitter Sweet grinned and the two left the scene together, leaving Christine very confused from the bits she had heard.  
  
"Don't worry Christine, I'll take care of them." Erik voice brought her attention back to the group. "And as for you!" He was now addressing the three other girls. "She was three feet from the shore! Why didn't you pull her out? She could have been killed!"  
  
The three girls backed away uneasily, this was not the reaction they had expected. He should be taking Christine back to his house now for dry clothes! Not scolding them.  
  
"We thought it would be romantic." Fluff was the first to speak for the group.  
  
"Besides, how were we supposed to know she couldn't swim?" added Sensual only to receive a furious glare from Christine. "What?"  
  
Erik then helped pull Christine to her feet, the realization that she was back beginning to sink in. He couldn't help but stare and her dripping wet form and wondered if maybe these girls were on to something... "Erik can we go somewhere else? Away from these people?"  
  
He smiled at her as their eyes locked momentarily before she lowered her head shyly. "Of course Christine, where ever you like." He then looked at the other three. "And that doesn't include you."  
  
The three pouted but were happy to see their happy couple walk off together. They then congratulated each other on a job well done.  
  
Christine and Erik had not made it far before yet another girl appeared before them. Erik let out a loud sigh, knowing this would most likely have something to do with him... why else would strange girls constantly show up wandering around the lake?  
  
"This will only take a moment," he said to Christine, who was now fully annoyed. "Can I help you?" he asked dully to the girl.  
  
The girl perked up at once. "My name is Maria Suzette and I have no home but I can't tell you about that because it's part of my painful past but I've had to run away or else something terrible will happen to me so I found myself here because all I've ever wanted to be was a singer and despite never taking any form of lessons in the past I'm sure that if only some great teacher could take me under his wing for a few weeks I'll become a great diva and oh, I love you and I'm sure you love me even though we've never met before but see we're connected in a deep meaningful way and though I've never seen your face I'm sure it won't bother me at all because I'm not like that fickle bitch Christine and I'll show you what real love is because the whole Christine thing was really just an obsession blinded by lust and I'm the real thing... oh, who's your friend?"  
  
Erik just rolled his eyes once the girl had finished her statement. Christine on the other hand wasn't sure weather she should deck the girl or ask how she learned to say that all in one breath... a few not so lady like suspicions popped into her head. She settled for simply stating: "I'm Christine."  
  
"No you're not, you're blonde." The girl replied, a little confused. She then looked over at Erik, who just shrugged; this was too amusing to stop.  
  
"Actually, yes I am. Christine is blonde."  
  
"Figures."  
  
Christine's face then turned a few more shades of red as her hands began to twitch. Erik decided it was probably best to stop this before the catfight actually broke out, even if it would be amusing to watch. He stepped between the to girls and addressed Maria, going through the rehearsed response he gave to all the girls who showed up at his doorstep. "Yes you can go stay with the rest of the girls. You'll find them in my house, which I have no doubt you know how to get to. Just don't touch anything and that includes my music and organ... oh grow up, not that either! You know what, just stay out of my room completely. And I should warn you, there's a good chance if you leave this place someone will try to rape you, but don't worry, for some reason I always manage to show up just in time to save you."  
  
He just waved his hand in a dismissing manner while the girl squealed in delight. Christine simply scowled. Just how many girls was he housing over there?  
  
After the girl finished giving her deepest thanks she jumped into the lake and began swimming across with ease.  
  
"Christine I should warn you, a lot has changed here..." he looked at her with concern, knowing how this must appear to her.  
  
"I've noticed." No, she was not happy.  
  
"I just want you to know, it's not that I let them stay... I just can't get rid of them. They're everywhere! They never leave me alone, they get into everything, they're in constant need of 'rescuing', I haven't been able to find my cat in days... I've found that it's just easier to let them roam around till they get bored rather then fight with them."  
  
"Look, let's just go back upstairs where I can get some dry clothes and you can find a shirt. I can't think down here... and since when is it necessary for you to take off your shirt to swim anyways?"  
  
Erik was for once thankful for his mask as his face turned red. He was not about to admit that maybe, just maybe, he enjoyed some of the attention these girls kept showering him with. The two ascended the rest of the way in silence.  
  
~*~  
  
Please R&R @----- 


	4. He's got the goods

~*~  
  
He's got the goods.  
  
~*~  
  
Erik and Christine went separate ways once they reached ground level. Christine decided it would be best if she just went to her old dressing room to find a dry outfit while Erik waited for her on the stage with Raoul, that way she could talk and sort this whole thing out with both of them at once, instead of prolonging the inevitable. On the way down the hall, once Erik had left, she was joined by one of the E/C'ers.  
  
Christine burst into her old dressing room with Smut following closely behind, only to find it occupied by a strange looking woman. "Who are you?" Christine asked annoyed.  
  
"I'm Alexis, who are you?" she replied in boredom.  
  
"I'm Christine, and this is my dressing room!"  
  
"No you're not, you're blonde. Well whoever you are, I need this room now, how else am I supposed to get in touch with my angel."  
  
A low growl could be heard emanating from Christine's throat as her grip tightened on the folds of her skirt. It was then that another girl burst into the room, pushing both Christine and Smut aside. "Excuse me ladies, but I've got some work to do." She then advanced towards Alexis, who let out a loud hiss.  
  
Out of nowhere the girl raised a large wooden stake, and in one swift movement, plunged it into Alexis's heart. In an ear piercing scream, they all watched as she fell to ash in front of them.  
  
Smut then turned to Christine to explain. "She's the slayer."  
  
Christine raised a single eyebrow. "We have a vampire slayer?"  
  
The strange girl then approached Christine. "No actually, I'm the Mary Sue slayer." She stated in a strange accent. "That one just happened to be a vampire too, they have a habit of popping up here from time to time. I think they get confused with the whole coffin thing, that and the fact that they tend to get children of the night and music of the night mixed up. Not the brightest bunch they are. But don't worry, I keep them out of the way so that you and Erik can live happily ever after, the way it should be." Her and Smut gave each other a firm nod in agreement.  
  
"No, no, no! What have you done!" Cried yet another girl who burst into the now crowded dressing room. "You've killed my vampire!"  
  
Another suspicious looking girl, all dressed in black, then followed her in. "They've killed our vampire!"  
  
"Non canonical females have no place in this realm and you know it! I was merely fulfilling my job and duty." The slayer replied to the two new intruders.  
  
"Well if that bitch hadn't broken our Erik's heart to begin with, there wouldn't be any!" the first girl replied forcefully but then backed off a bit when she saw Christine begin to advance on her.  
  
"Actually, I'm working on that point..." Smut slipped in while trying to keep Christine from throttling the girl. "Oh Christine, I'd like you to meet fic writers Cross Over and Slash who I believe were just leaving." She gave the two a stern look.  
  
"Fine! I know when I'm not wanted. Come on Slash, we need find a new vampire."  
  
Shrugging to the group, Slash began to follow Cross Over out of the room, both chatting loudly. "You know what'd be even better?" Slash began, "Lesbian vampires!"  
  
"From space?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"You know Slash, I like the way you work."  
  
"That gives me a great idea for a cross over. Phantom of the Rocky Horror Picture Show!"  
  
"Pfft! You've just been spending too much time on Raph's site."  
  
"Have not. Actually that reminds me, I need to go speak with Meg..."  
  
Smut then shut the door behind them and smiled at Christine. "Just ignore them. Now that we're alone I have some things I'd like to discuss with you."  
  
Christine looked around perplexed. The slayer had seemed to have disappeared without her notice and now she was trapped with yet another of these fic writers. Smut then took Christine by the hand and led her to the bed where they both sat down.  
  
"Now, I want to talk with you about this whole Erik "thing". See, I'm a hardcore E/C shipper and the rest of the E/C girls and I have been getting this strange notion that you don't want to be with him... that you'd rather be with that girly boy, Raoul."  
  
Christine scowled at the statement, just because Raoul was perhaps a little "effeminate" did not, in her mind, make him girly.  
  
"Hear me out on this one will ya, ok. See we just can't understand why you would chose Raoul over Erik, when Erik is by far the obvious choice. Trust me, we actually made a list comparing the two, and Erik won by a long shot."  
  
"The man tried to kill Raoul, and killed many other people!" Christine exclaimed in annoyance.  
  
"Yes, yes, and Raoul hunts kittens for sport, we've been through this. The point is it's all in the past. What we need is to look at the future, the future of E/C."  
  
"This is ridiculous."  
  
"What is ridiculous is you letting that tasty morsel known as Erik get away. Let's look at the facts, Raoul, sure he's easy on the eyes but what else does he have that Erik doesn't? Erik's got that voice, the talent, the love and devotion, the intelligence, and don't forget those sexy, sexy hands! Don't tell me you don't desire those hands on you!"  
  
Christine only glared unimpressed. "They smell like death."  
  
"Ugh! You're missing the point. Raoul can find any one, where as Erik has only you, he loves only you, and he wants only you. Raoul's just a silly boy. Erik, now that's a man. And besides, me and my fellow E/C'ers have come to the consensus that Erik is by far the better lover... though not from experience of course... I mean our experience, not his... well he doesn't have any either but that's beside the point. Erik's got the goods."  
  
"Excuse me? Are we talking about my sex life now? I can't believe this. You know what, you're all nuts." Shaking her head Christine made to get up but was successfully thwarted by Smut.  
  
"Oh don't be silly, we're all mature adults here... well at least some of us are. I mean think about it, Erik's got the whole sensuality thing down, plus being so rhythmic with music and what not." Christine again made to get up. "Just, just hear me out ok. Us E/C'ers live for this! All we want is to see the two of you together, happy, and of course consummate."  
  
Christine's jaw dropped as her face turned red, partially from rage and partially from embarrassment. "Let me get this straight. You guys live to see Erik and I have sex?"  
  
Smut grinned and nodded her head.  
  
"You know what? We're not talking about this. I'm not in this room and you did not just say all that and I'm just going to leave this room, which I'm not in, and pretend this didn't happen, which it didn't." Pushing past the girl roughly, Christine exited the room... which she was not in...  
  
~*~  
  
Please R&R ^_^ 


	5. I can explain

A/N: I just want to thank you all for your wonderful reviews, I'm always so nervous when posting humor pieces for some reason. Unfortunately this is a short chapter I'm afraid but I don't think it'll be very long before I have a new update ^_^  
  
~*~  
  
I can explain!  
  
~*~  
  
Raoul sat in boredom on the stage while his four fans chatted loudly about all their plans for their favorite couple. A number of phans took up the rest of the stage and seating area, all waiting quietly for that chance of seeing their favorite masked idol.  
  
This is how most days were spent in the large building. There were simply tons of girls just wondering about aimlessly, checking every nook and cranny for their beloved Erik. He did not like to make regular public appearances for them, so when Raoul looked up from picking his nails and noticed a commotion coming over the girls, he knew what was coming.  
  
"IT'S ERIK!" came a yell, followed by a few dozen girls squealing in delight while charging the stage.  
  
"And he's not wearing a shirt!" exclaimed another. At this Raoul looked to see a bare-chested Erik strut in, followed closely by a large number of Phans. Random Phans #749, 397, 197, and 344 fainted where they stood while the other stared on, dreamy eyed.  
  
Raoul just raised an eye brow when his advisory gave him a glance. Years of living in the same building had subdued their rivalry to more of a healthy aversion towards each other, rather then constantly being at each others throats... besides Raoul had enough death threats from Phans to keep Erik sufficiently amused.  
  
"I suppose this is this a new look for you?" he asked dryly.  
  
"For your information I was just saving your 'wife' from drowning." Erik snapped back.  
  
"And the reason why you're still not fully dressed is...?"  
  
"Well I wasn't about to swim back to grab a shirt. That water's bloody cold you know!" A wave of nods went through the crowed as most of these girls had previously swum the lake.  
  
"Sure there." Raoul smirked, suspecting Erik was just showing off for his Phans.  
  
"Where is Christine anyways?"  
  
Raoul shrugged and got up from his seat. "I thought she was with you."  
  
"She was, but she went to get dry clothes. She should have been back by now."  
  
"So you left her alone with all these fic writers running lose?" Raoul eyed the girls surrounding them wearily. The thought of a jealous Phan girl bumping into her with the two of them nowhere in sight did not make him easy.  
  
"Me?" Erik then came towards him furiously. "I didn't see you in the basement with her!"  
  
"I left her with an E/C'er, they wouldn't hurt her."  
  
"Who do you think threw her in the lake?" Erik replied while jabbing Raoul with his finger. The Phans were all sitting close by, watching the scene unfold with excitement; Raoul – Erik confrontations always promised to be a great source of entertainment.  
  
"Do you hear that?" Raoul asked suddenly, his attention momentarily distracted. It sounded almost as if someone were running?  
  
"Hear what?" Erik then just looked over Raoul's shoulder to see a blur of black coming straight for them. He recognized at once who it was. "Oh shi—"  
  
Raoul was then shoved from behind with a strength that should not have come from a girl, and toppled forward on top of Erik, bringing him down with him.  
  
It was then Christine's voice that they heard cry out. "What the hell did I just walk in on!"  
  
The sight she was greeted with as she came out onto the stage was the picture of Erik flat on his back with Raoul planted firmly on top of him, his head against Erik's neck while Erik's hands were clutched to Raoul's upper arms.  
  
Snickers broke out amongst the crowd of on lookers as Erik roughly shoved Raoul off of him. "Get off of me, you idiot!"  
  
One of the Phans then turned to Christine to explain. "It was a run by slashing."  
  
Christine blinked.  
  
"Christine, I can explain." Said Raoul once he was back on his feet, eyeing the crowed suspiciously. Christine continued to stand dumbly.  
  
"It was Slash." Grumbled Erik as he raised himself off the floor. "She pushed him."  
  
"I thought they looked cute." Said random Phan #589.  
  
"Um... eww." Answered #767.  
  
"No way, it was totally hot!" called another.  
  
"Phantom slash, simply does not work!"  
  
"Every thing works in fan fiction! That's the point of it."  
  
"Well I think they're completely straight."  
  
"I don't know... Raoul's kind of girly..."  
  
"And Erik's not? Have you seen his hand movements?"  
  
By this time both Erik and Raoul were flushing angrily at the crowd as Christine let out a few giggles behind them.  
  
"You wouldn't be laughing if you knew how often we went through this." Said Erik, fully embarrassed that Christine had come in right when she did. He then looked at her curiously. "How come you're still wet?"  
  
"I've had an interesting encounter of my own actually, but never mind about that now. Right now all I really feel like doing is getting my self a stiff drink."  
  
~*~  
  
R&R Please @---- 


	6. Please stop trying to kill him

A/N: Yet another chapter! I recently got my computer set up in my room which is why I've been typing a lot lately that and one of these chapters takes about 1/4th of the time it takes me to do a serious chapter. So yeah, this one's at least longer then the last one, enjoy.

  
  
"Christine I'm so sorry I left you alone with those Phans, I had no idea they would throw you in the lake." Raoul looked sympathetically at her while Erik simply rolled his eyes.  
  
"I'm fine, really I am. But could we please get away from these people?" she gestured to the large group of Phans all sitting around the stage, watching them silently in vision which oddly reminded her of the ending scene of 'The Birds'.  
  
"I would gladly do so but there's still the problem of them." Erik pointed to all the girls. "I won't be able to go five feet with out one of them confessing their love for me."  
  
And just as if on queue, a shout could be heard across the stage. "I LOVE YOU ERIK."  
  
Erik sighed, "You see."  
  
"Well it doesn't help that you encourage them." Raoul added while keeping his eyes on Christine.  
  
"I do not!"  
  
It was then that an extra perky short Phan came skipping across the stage to Erik. She pushed her glasses up from her nose as she handed Erik a freshly pressed shirt. "I got your shirt for you Erik." She said while giving him a beauty pageant style smile.  
  
"Why thank you Megan, it's greatly appreciated." Erik smiled back at the girl whose head came barely above his waist and took the folded shirt from her hands.  
  
Megan then approached Raoul who smiled down kindly at the girl. Again she straightened her glasses before proceeding to give him a swift kick to the shin and skipping off again.  
  
Giving out a loud yelp, Raoul clutched his newly bruised leg as Erik and Christine tried their hardest to restrain a giggle.  
  
"Let me at her!" cried one of the R/C'ers before one of the others held her back.  
  
"Oh no. Raoul, honey are you all right?" another said while trying to help him remain balanced as he hopped on one foot.  
  
"You see," he began in a pained voice, giving Erik an evil glare. "This is all your fault. All I ever did was try to help Christine, and make her happy, and what do I get! Kicked in the shin and a light fixture nearly dropped on my head, and it's not even two in the afternoon yet!"  
  
"It's ok Raoul, we understand." The four R/C'ers gave him a pitiful look while surrounding him protectively.  
  
Raoul then looked sadly at Christine who was still trying to hold back a smile. "Oh, I'm sorry Raoul, but that was pretty funny."  
  
"Crazy Phans," started one of the R/C'ers. "Don't they realize that Christine and Raoul are supposed the end up together?"  
  
"Yeah, we all saw how long that lasted," Erik mumbled under his breath, taking a small step towards Christine.  
  
"I bet I know why Christine left him," cried one of the Phans. Christine looked at the girl curiously as she continued. "Because Raoul's really just a cold hearted jerk! He's a cheating, lying, abusive, drunk, who denied Christine her right to continue singing because he's an ass!"  
  
Christine and the four R/C'ers stood with shocked expressions firmly planted on their faces. The first R/C'er began rolling up her sleeve while glaring at the Phan.  
  
"That's it!" she yelled. "That one dies!"  
  
The Phan gave a small squeak before running off the stage to hide as the other girl advanced on her with an insane look in her eyes.  
  
"Christine, could you tell them once and for all, that that's not what happened." Raoul asked in a dejected voice. "You'd be surprised how many are convinced that I hurt you in some way."  
  
Christine moved to stand beside her former husband, who then received a rather unsettling look from Erik, before addressing the floor. "I can assure you all that Raoul was none of those things that that girl so presumptuously announced. So please stop trying to kill him."  
  
Raoul gave her a thankful smile before yet another Phan cried out. "But you can't deny that he's a rich, spoiled, arrogant prick!"  
  
It was Christine's turn to get upset as she signed for the R/C'ers to stay back. "Really? Erik, could you answer some questions for me?"  
  
Erik simply shrugged before Christine continued. "Could you tell me who the best ventriloquist is?"  
  
"I am."  
  
"Who the best magician is?"  
  
"I am."  
  
"Who the best architect is?" 

"I am."

"Are you a genius?"

"Yes."  
  
"Who the best musician is?"  
  
"I am."

"Who the best composer is?"

"I am."  
  
"Who has best voice?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"Who the smartest person in the room is?"  
  
"I am."  
  
"And could you tell me what you do when the management doesn't give you your way?"  
  
"Throw a fit and drop a chandelier on everyone."  
  
"Thank you. I think my point was made." Christine crossed her arms on her chest as she looked out over all the Phans who were just sitting there, blinking.  
  
There was a moment of silence when, "I LOVE YOU ERIK!" was once again screamed out.  
  
Christine let out a loud sigh before she once again tried to address the girls. "Don't you people realize that the only reason you like Erik is because you've been brought up with movies like Friday the 13th and Hellraiser? That in reality most of your futures contain a lovely nine to five job for a boss you hate, only to go home to some unappreciative kids before cooking supper for your equally unappreciative husband who would rather go out for a beer with the guys than spend quality time with you, where as with Erik you could live in a world outside of reality, with a man who worships the ground you walk on, and is willing to do anything for your career and will support you? That it has nothing to do with you being any less judgmental than the rest of this world and any woman in this day and age would be crazy to give up that opportunity?"  
  
The crowed sat dumb struck as Erik and Raoul gave her the most perplexed looks.  
  
"When did you learn to become so cynical?" Raoul finally asked, still stunned.  
  
"University, I majored in Psych with a minor in Women's studies."  
  
"You went to university?" this time it was Erik who spoke, unable to hide the surprise in his voice.  
  
"Yes, is that so hard to believe? While you two where busy sitting here, picking your nails, I was off actually having a life."  
  
"I LOVE YOU ERIK!"  
  
Shaking her head, Christine collapsed in a near by chair. It was pointless arguing with these people. Erik was about to speak with her when Crossover trotted up beside her.  
  
"Uh, Christine?" Christine only gave her a distasteful look. "Meg heard you were back and would like to speak with you. She's waiting for you in your old dressing room."  
  
With a sigh, Christine forced herself back out of the chair. "Alright, I'll go talk to her. Boys, I'll see you in a few." And with a tired look in her eyes, Christine made her way off stage and down to the old room.  
  
Crossover then motioned for Raoul to come over to her. "You haven't seen Belle anywhere have you? Last I saw, she was kicking Hannibal's ass at chess and now he's just walking around with a goofy look on his face."  


  
  
R&R Please 


	7. We'll get her

A/N: well I've got another short one for ya, enjoy And yes, I am still working on Paris after midnight, expect it updated some time in the next few days.

After receiving a shrug from Raoul, Crossover left to look for Slash in case she knew what happened. Raoul then turned to Erik who was busy putting on his new shirt.  
  
"So, Christine at collage eh? I would've liked to have seen that." Erik merely raised an eyebrow in a 'why are you talking to me' expression. "Well you know what they say about sheltered girls and collage don't you?" Raoul grinned.  
  
"No, what?" Erik snapped back, not at all impressed by his remark.  
  
"Never mind." Raoul mumbled, slumping down into a chair.  
  
Slash sat in Christine's dressing room with Meg by her side. "Now don't you worry, we've got this all worked out. You remember you're lines right?" Meg nodded nervously. "Ok, well she's coming so I'm going to hide now. Don't worry, I saw it work in that Cruel Intentions movie, you'll do fine."  
  
Slash then gave Meg a smug wink before dashing behind the pivoting mirror just as Christine walked through the door. She eyed the wobbling mirror oddly before taking a seat next to her best friend.  
  
"Was someone just in here? I thought I heard voices." Christine asked, happy to be with her friend and confidant once more.  
  
"Hmm? Oh no, I didn't hear anything at all Christine, I'm just so happy to see you again." The two girls embraced lightly.  
  
"Now what was it that was so urgent for you to speak to me about?" Christine asked excitedly.  
  
"Well you're never going to believe this, but I've got a date!" The two girls broke out in giggle at Meg announcement.  
  
"Oh you must tell me who? Is he handsome?"  
  
"Well, I can't say who, not yet... but I do have a bit of a dilemma Christine." Christine's expression turned to one of concern as she took the girls hand in hers.  
  
"You can tell me Meg, what is it?"  
  
"Well, this is going to sound silly but, you see, I've never actually kissed anyone before..."  
  
"Never?" Christine asked baffled.  
  
"Well never, you know, in that way..."  
  
"Oh don't be silly Meg, you've got nothing to worry about, it's easy, really."  
  
"See, that's why I came to you, you've got so much more experience in that area, so I was hoping, perhaps... that you could... show me?" Meg asked meekly, her heart racing as she looked into Christine's blank face.  
  
"Show you?" came Christine's flat voice. Meg merely smiled timidly up at the girl. "You know, I think there's somewhere I'm supposed to be right now, I'll get back to you on that."  
  
Christine then made her swift exit from the room. The mirror pivoted once again and out jumped Slash. She came over and comforted the rejected girl sympathetically.  
  
"Don't worry Meg, we'll get her."  
  
"Thanks..."  
  
"You just wait and see. Once I've got Raoul and Erik together, Christine will have no choice but to turn to her loving friend for support." Slash grinned mischievously at the scene forming in her head.  
  
"You really think you can get those two together? I'm pretty sure they hate each other."  
  
Slash looked at her, shocked. "No, no, no silly. You see their outward aggression is just the result of their emotional turmoil. See, they were brought up in a sexually repressed environment, and now they're having these strange, confused feelings that they don't understand towards one another. This only brings their frustration to a boil and in the end, end up resenting one another for making them feel this way. Once they've realized that it's ok to be who they really are, their burning fury will turn to burning passion and then every one will be happy."  
  
Meg merely shrugged. "You've really got this all worked out haven't you?"  
  
"Oh, you have no idea." It was then that a knock on the door interrupted them.  
  
Slash walked over and answer it to see a very worried Crossover in the doorway. "You haven't seen –"  
  
Slash cut her off mid sentence. "Belle, and Hannibal looks like the cat that swallowed the canary?" Crossover gave a short nervous nod. "You know, you may want think about that analogy a bit."  
  
Crossover's face went pale before she rushed from the room. Slash then bowed to Meg. "Don't worry, I'll make sure things work out, but for now I've got two sexually confused males to deal with. You know, it feels knowing you're doing some good in the world." And with that Slash exited the room.Please R&R 


	8. GGW?

A/N: And it's back! Sorry for the delay and thank you very much for the great reviews, they always make my day. So here it is, another chapter.

...

It didn't take long for Christine to get back to the stage where she saw Erik and Raoul surrounded by Phangirls, seeming to be in deep conversation. Putting a smile on her face as though nothing odd had happened, she approached them only for them to all of a sudden stop talking as soon as she was noticed.  
  
"Well Christine, you're back soon. How was your 'talk' with Meg?" Raoul asked as she came closer, just stifling a laugh.  
  
Christine raised an eyebrow curiously. No, they couldn't possibly know, she thought to herself.  
  
"Yes, apparently Meg's really been missing you ever since you left," Erik added on while maintaining a straight face, which Raoul was failing miserably at. "You know, all the time you two used to spend together talking, getting ready for performances, helping with each others costumes..."  
  
Christine's face flushed bright red as the girls around them broke out into giggles. %&$! They did know!  
  
Raoul simply couldn't hold back any longer while looking at Christine's embarrassed expression, and gave into an uncontainable fit of laughter. Erik merely grinned.  
  
"It's not funny!" she spat back at them, annoyed.  
  
"Oh I beg to differ," replied Erik, finally given in to a few rare giggles.  
  
Christine scowled, "oh, why don't you just go back to your harem?"  
  
That shut him up. Erik visibly flinched at her accusation while Raoul began to laugh even harder at the exchange between the two. The Phangirls on the other hand became quiet and looked at Christine as though she were crazy for telling their precious Erik to go away.  
  
"I do not have a harem," he replied while shooting a glare to where Raoul was killing himself laughing.  
  
"Oh yes you do," Raoul piped in once he saw Erik glaring at him. "This entire opera house is practically your harem, you're surrounded by girls right now! Look that ones even drooling."  
  
"Well it's not like I ask them to be here. You think it's easy being a man who enjoys his privacy while twenty Phangirls are all trying to touch you?"  
  
"Right, like a few hundred girls all throwing themselves at you is a bad thing?" he egged on as he saw Christine becoming more and more curious as to Erik's answers. "Why don't you tell us what it is exactly you do all day with them down there, then?"  
  
"Yes Erik, I kind of would like to know," Christine added while crossing her arms on her chest.  
  
"Well it's most certainly not what you're thinking," he snapped back.  
  
"Please," Raoul continued on. "You expect us to believe a fifty year old sexually repressed virgin, suddenly surrounded by all these girls, just dying for a piece of opera ghost ass, wouldn't enjoy the perks of being an international sex symbol every once in a while? Plus if Christine is any indication, we know you do prefer the barely legal ones, which there are plenty of here."  
  
The visible portions of Erik's face flushed bright red as he looked at the floor but did not respond.  
  
"Erik?" called Christine, not at all liking this. He glanced up quickly to her questioning face but then lowered his eyes back to the grown and fiddled with his fingers. "I can't believe this!" she yelled all of a sudden. "You really do have a god damn harem down there!"  
  
"I do not," he once again stated, bringing his head guiltily up. His eyes then went wide while a knowing grin played across his mouth; a certain memory had come back to him. "Besides you are hardly one to talk."  
  
"Really?" she replied in a caustic tone and straightening herself to her full height. This ought to be good.  
  
"Yes really, miss girls gone wild, Cancun spring break 2002."  
  
Christine's jaw dropped with her face turning a few shades of red as Erik gave a triumphant smirk, Raoul just stood confused. "Where did you... I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
It was then one of the Phangirls stood and handed a tape to Erik who held it up for all to see. "This has been floating around the girls for a while now. Turns out all Meg needed to do was give you three shots of tequila and she'd be in her glory."  
  
Christine's flushed turned even deeper as she eyed the tape in his hand. "How... Why that little... You know what, give me that!"  
  
"Wait, I haven't seen it yet. Why didn't you tell me about that?" Raoul asked in a dejected voice, looking at the tape in awe.  
  
"Because I don't like you." Erik replied with a smirk, holding it high above his head while Christine tried to jump for it.  
  
"Give that back! I did not give permission for that tape to be made, you have no right."  
  
"Well if you want to see it, I suppose I could give it to you now." Erik said while maneuvering around Christine. He then tossed the tape to Raoul who caught it easily with a wide grin on his face.  
  
"Raoul, don't you dare watch that. Give it to me."  
  
"No way, if he watched it, I'm watching it." Raoul then took off running down the hall with Christine in fast pursuit.  
  
Farther and farther they raced through the opera house, Christine fast running out of breath as she held on to her skirt. "Raoul give me that back!" she continued to cry as they once again took another turn.  
  
Raoul quickly opened a door and rushed inside with Christine not far behind him but stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he saw where he'd gone. Christine ended up crashing right into his back, not having seen him stop so abruptly, and began to yell when his hand fell quickly over her mouth.  
  
"Shhh," he hissed while motioning to a large group of young girls standing not far from them with their backs turned, all sucking delightfully on a pile of pixie sticks being passed around the group.  
  
"Don't say a word when I release my hand," he whispered shakily to her. Christine gave a short nod as his hand fell. "Now lets back out slowly before we're noticed."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Fic writers, the most dangerous type." She looked at him with an expression of both confusion and fear. Raoul gave a short shudder before explaining, "Humor/Parody writers."  
  
"OH MY GOD, IT'S CHRISTINE AND RAOUL!!!!"  
  
Raoul looked up just in time to see the group turn and face the pair standing quietly at the door before grasping Christine's hand in panicked fear.  
  
"Run!" he yelled as he began to drag her down the hall, the Phans taking no time in continuing after them  
  
"No, wait! I want you to come visit me at school!" screamed random Phan #586  
  
"No they're not, they're coming over to my house!" came random Phan #866  
  
"No way! They're reenacting my favorite movie!"  
  
"Screw that, let's just kill the fop!"  
  
"Yeah! Kill the fop!"  
  
"Burn him!"  
  
"Throw him from the roof!"  
  
"Bash his brains in!"  
  
Raoul swallowed hard as he picked up his speed, sweat breaking out over his forward. He looked back quickly to Christine. "Save yourself Christine!" he shouted before releasing her hand and sprinting down another corridor.  
  
Out of breath, the girl could not keep up anymore and let the Phangirls gain on her but surprisingly they simply passed her by without so even as much as a look.  
  
"Dear god, how often does this happen here?" she asked herself, while resting against the wall and taking in her surroundings. She was somewhere in the second cellar, an area she wasn't too familiar with but could probably find her way out of.  
  
She wandered around for about fifteen minutes before finally admitting to herself that she was indeed lost. In a huff, Christine sat herself on the floor, hands resting on her chin, while she put on her best 'Christine in deep thought' look.  
  
"Hello." Startled by the voice, she looked up to see a familiar looking girl standing over her, smiling brightly. "Erik's looking for you, I came to help you find him."  
  
Well she seemed normal enough, if these Phangirls could be considered normal... "Uh, thank you. Could you tell me where he is?" Christine asked while rising from the cold floor.  
  
"He's in his lair, but come on, I know a short cut. It's in the third cellar."...Please R&R 


	9. Panty raids?

A/N: yes, I've still got plenty of ideas for this fic. The thing really does write itself now and I do enjoy writing it, so I've finally got an update for all of you out there who haven't forgotten this one. Anywho, let me know what you think and have fun, there's nothing better than being able to laugh at yourself ; )

* * *

"It's just over here behind this set piece. There, just through this hole," said the girl, after she led her further into the cellars depths.

"Will Erik be there?" asked Christine, beginning to grow suspicious. She was positive she had already met this girl.

The girl pushed something in on the stone wall and a small entrance appeared. It revealed nothing but a black hole that seemed to go to nowhere.

"Actually he's out right now…" the girl began thoughtfully, while moving away to give Christine a better view. "I think some Phangirls raided his mask drawer again, so he's gone to hunt them down, but this'll be a nice surprise when he gets back."

Christine raised an eyebrow. "Raided mask drawer?"

"Don't ask, at least it wasn't his underwear drawer again, now that was an amusing day." She giggled a bit to herself but stopped sharply when she saw the most unamused expression on Christine's face. "Some of those Phangirls are crazy you know, anywho, why don't you just hop on down there, the lights turn on automatically."

"I don't think so."

As though appearing out of nowhere, Erik now stood beside Christine, a hand planted firmly on her shoulder.

"Oh, hey, it's Erik. Kill any stage hands recently?" began the girl, taking small steps away from the imposing figure, as her eye's darting wildly about the room.

"Excuse me one moment Christine," he said turning from her to advance on the now nervous girl. "And don't go in there. Tragedy and I need to have a little word with one another."

Tragedy gave a small squeak before scuttling back a few more paces towards the stairs. "You know, I'd love to stay and chat, but see there's this black widow I kind of let loose awhile ago that I should be really keeping an eye on…" She then quickly dashed to the steps as Erik gave her a thoroughly furious scowl. "Oh, and you do have a good nights sleep Christine."

He was about to lunge after her when he collided with something that had just rushed him from the side. Needless to say, he was very unimpressed to find that object to be Raoul.

"Oh, thank god I found you." Raoul gasped, while Erik seemed to be attempting to brush him self clean of where Raoul had touched him, a look of pure loathing etched across what visible features he had.

"Idiot," he grumbled before focusing his attention back to Christine, completely ignoring Raoul's exhausted form.

"What just happened?" asked Christine, also ignoring Raoul, who was obviously trying to gain their attention.

"Nothing you need to worry about, but do stay away from that one." Erik replied, pointing to the small figure of Tragedy in the distance.

At last, Raoul couldn't to hold off any longer. "Hey, aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?"

Erik merely gave him a bored glance over before answering dully, "Well judging by your appearance and the mob chanting '_kill the fop'_ upstairs I'd assume you ran into some humor writers."

"You're only part right," Raoul started but then went very still. A new girl was entering the room. "Shh!" he hissed before ducking behind a set piece.

"Oh hi, you haven't seen Raoul anywhere have you?" the new girl asked as she came skipping towards them, happily.

Erik was about to answer when Christine decided to step back, giving him a deliberately hard press on his foot.

"No, we haven't" she replied glancing sharply at Erik.

"Oh, well, alright then… Well just call me if he show's up. Thanks anyway." And with that the girl continued on her way in low spirits. As soon as she was out of view, Raoul crept from his hiding place, looking very pale.

"Who was that? She seemed nice enough." Christine asked but Erik smirked letting her know that she was most likely wrong. A good judge in character was not exactly something Christine prided her self as being.

"That, my dear, was a Raoul sympathizing E/C shipper," said Erik simply.

"God, how many titles do you have for these people?"

"A fare few." He said with a contemplative expression.

"Well if she's a sympathizer wouldn't she be good then?"

It was Raoul now who turned to her. "Ha! That's what they want you to think!" He pulled her aside as though he were about to give away a great secret. "They trick you into thinking they're your friend and that they want you to be all happy and give you a good Christine relationship but as soon as Erik shows up, BAM!--" He slapped his hands together abruptly, making Christine jump. "Your body's lost at sea, or you contract some fatal illness, or something even worse (glares at authoress). It's just not fair."

Christine gave him a pitying look, raising her hand to rest on his arm in sympathy.

"So where's the tape?" came Erik's voice coldly.

"Hmmm?" replied Raoul, while gazing longingly into Christine's sapphire eyes. "Oh, I left it in the VCR."

Odd how quickly the atmosphere of a room can change.

"What!" yelled Christine suddenly, pushing him away. "You watched it! I thought you were running from Phangirls."

"Well I was, but then I found this room with a TV and…" he stopped and looked at her as though he now saw her in a new light. "Hey, how come you never showed me that thing with your tongue?"

Christine turned beat red, her eyes growing enormously as she closed in on him, a low growl escaping from her throat.

* * *

Please R&R ; D 


	10. What a bitch

_A/N: got another update for you, but in truth I don't think this one is all that funny, it's more stating my personal opinion on a certain type of writer that really, really, pisses me off. So I'm sorry if this wasn't what you were looking for, or if you're offended by it, but I felt the need to include this, so I hope you'll forgive me._

* * *

"That's it!" Christine yelled. "I've had enough of this mad house. I'm leaving before anything else happens; you two, enjoy your fan clubs." And in a tantrum befitting a true diva, Christine stormed from the room, leaving the others blinking. 

"Is she going the direction I think she's going?" Raoul asked slowly, turning his head towards Erik.

"I believe so…" he answered with the smallest hint of a grin.

Turning another corner, Christine ran headlong into a girl who looked oddly familiar, though she was sure they hadn't met before.

"Oh, excuse me," the girl said in a huff, but as she beheld Christine, her eyes went wide with shock.

"Do I know you?" Christine asked the stunned girl.

The loud sound of a snort coming from the opposite corner brought Christine's attention to yet another girl, standing quite bored and with a rather haughty expression firmly planted on her face.

"I was wondering when you would get here," the girl from the corner said lazily, barely even lifting her eyes.

"Sorry 'bout that, Elite. Been a little busy today," a strangely accented voice drifted from directly behind her. Christine jumped, turning to see The Slayer standing with a smug grin on her faceand rather unsettlingly close to her. She was eyeing the girl in front of Christine, who was now backingaway ever so slowly.

"What's this all about?" asked the backinggirl with an air of dignity. Elite only made a scoffing noise at the show of bravado.

"Get on with it then," Elite said calmly, watching the scene unfold with suppressed anticipation.

The unnamed girl glanced quickly at the other three, still backing up. Christine thought it was better to let them sort out their own problems and moved away from the action with her arms folded tightly across her chest. There was no telling what any of these people would do.

"You don't think…" began the girl with a tone ofdisgust in her voice. "You know I'm not, _one of them._"

"Sorry, nothin' personal, but it's my job to rid the world of Mary Sue's." The Slayer replied.

"But I am not a Mary Sue!" the girl defiantly cried, holding her head high. "_I, _am well developed!"

The Slayer simply raised her brow. "Are you a non canonical female?"

"Well… yes, but—"

"DIE!" The Slayer screamed, lunging towards the girl. Christine watched, completely shocked, as thegirl ran from the room with The Slayer trailing fast. All at once there was a blood curdling scream and then, silence.

Elite peeled herself away from the wall with a smirk. "It's true, she was well developed, but The Slayer tends to be a little over zealous in her job. Not that it isn't to my advantage, of course. Well developed or not, that girls author had terrible grammar skills, The Slayer's really doing us all a favour by ridding us of her."

Christine gave her a quizzical look.

"Don't worry Christine; I'm on your side. You wouldn't believe the drabble that comes out of these girls. You know, sometimes I think they actually believe they're writing for themselves and their equally inane friends, ignorant of the fact that by writing their stories, people like me _have _to go through them, looking for the writers that actually have a solid grasp of the English language."

Christine blinked.

"I mean if they realized the hours I've wasted… it really is a crime you know, I should be pitied. Reading their hard work…" Elite shook her head sadly. "You have to wonder how many actually think they have a chance at being published."

Something just wasn't clicking in Christine's head as she observed Elite. "You do realize that over half of them are still in high school, right? And have no interest in pursing writing careers…"

"Another excellent point! There should at least be an eighteen year old age limit I think, the fact I just turned eighteen two months ago is beside the point,what i'm getting tois that most younger writerssimply don't have the experience needed."

"Well isn't this giving them the experience and helping them improve—"

"Yes but _I,_ have to read it! It's outrageous!" Elite sighed and tapped Christine sympathetically on the shoulder. "They really should all just be rounded up and shot. It would save me a lot of time."

Christine backed away from the girl, not sure if she liked her anymore than these other fic writers. "I think I'll just be going now," she said slowly, heading in the opposite direction.

"I wouldn't go that way if I were you," Elite called, grinning to herself.

Christine stopped dead in her tracks, the last thing she needed was to wander in on some more humour writers. "And why is that?"

"That, my dear, is the way to the Daae nursery."

Not sure she heard right, Christine gave the girl the most perplexing glare. "Excuse me?"

"The Daae nursery," she repeated, once again coming to stand beside her. "I think that that Mary Sue somehow managed to escape from it. You are very fertile in this fandom, Christine. Though unfortunately you also manage to defy most medical knowledge and are about 75 percent likely to die while giving birth. It's a shame really, in either case, it will almost definitely be a difficult labor."

Christine's jaw dropped in horror. _Her? A mother!_ "And just who exactly is supposed to be the father of all these fatal children?"

Just then Erik and Raoul walked in, looking for Christine. She turned to them, with a fully flushed face andwith an expressionas though she wanted to kill the next person who spoke.

"This girl was just telling me about a certain nursery. Care to explain?"

Both men stood quietly for a moment, not sure where to start. Elite was busy smiling smugly at the rest of them, fully enjoying herself.

Erik was the first to step forward. "Well, I see you've met Elite, the resident Elitist."

The girl's grin widened.

He then turned to look at her more directly. "But perhaps better known as our resident bitch."

The smile fell as fast as it camewhile a look of complete outrage took its place. "Why I… Fine, I'll leave! But you just wait! When I'm no longer here to make my oh so witty remarks at kids for actually writing at their age level, or discourage other potentially good writer even from trying, you'll be swamped with a cesspool of your own undoing! You'll just long for the days when the use of an adjective was common, and people spent time proof reading. Then you'll be begging for me to come back! You just wait! Just--"

"Wait. Yeah we got it," Erik finnished, turning back to Christine.

Fully outragged, Elite triumphantly left the room, making sure to strut the entire way with her head held as high as possible.

"What a bitch," Christine commented once she had left.

"Don't mind her," began Erik. "I think she just likes the sound of her voice. She does this about every other month, but always comes back saying how she's needed here and it's her personal mission to save the fandom by making thirteen year olds cry. I mean, obviously, her opinion is the only one that really matters, but in truth," Erik leaned in to whisper quietly. "Nobody cares."

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_A/N: well I hope nobody's too mad at me for that little rant and to everyone who wasn't, keep writing! Don't let anyone discourage you, and let loose whatever your wild imagination has in store for the rest of us. I love you guys!_


	11. Shut up!

_**A/N: well after the last update i suppose i should clarify something. when i was refering to Elitests, i was more refering to Flamers who just go around insulting everybody. But i do find it funny, as someone who tends to be a little "Adjective happy" in her stories, that some people don't seem to know how to use one. So there are two sides to everything, i certainly see that and hope i'm not giving a one sided view in this fic.**_

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"Well now that she's gone, would one of you care to explain what all this about a nursery is?" Christine was fuming as she turned back to the two men before her, neither of which seemed particularly inclined to give an answer.

"Well you see," Raoul began, looking very uncomfortable and twisting his fingers in his hand. "A lot of the Fic writers thought you should have a healthy, fulfilling marriage… _very health_… and well, you know you're quite fertile Christine, sorry 'bout all the dying though, I suppose that's not quite a perk of marriage. But hey, sometimes it isn't till the second or third child that you're done in!"

Christine blinked.

Rolling his eyes, Erik took a step forward. "Shut up, you idiot," he said to the boy before turning to Christine. "I'd like to point out that if it's Fluff pulling the strings, that chances of survival are much higher."

Raising an eyebrow, Christine had to wonder if he thought that that was supposed to be an encouraging statement.

"Coincidently enough that's only when you're with him," added Raoul while jabbing a finger in Erik's direction. "It seems _I _carry the fatal children gene most of the time… but don't worry; Erik usually takes real good care of our kids, don't you?"

Christine was about to ask him to elaborate when the doors to the nursery burst open.

"MAMAN!" cried one of the many teenage to early twenties girls to run out. Christine could only stand her as one by one these strange yet incredibly beautiful girls took it in turn to hug and kiss their lost mother.

"Oh, I missed you so much!" confessed one.

"I've never even met you!" admitted another that looked frighteningly similar to Christine.

"Wait, you're blonde?" asked a girl with the most stunning violet eyes.

She was then pushed aside by another Christine look-alike, "Do you know that story about the angel of music you used to tell me? Well I met him!"

"I did too, he's right there by the way; you left out the part about him being hideously deformed though."

"But I don't know why you were scared;it didn't bother me at all when I first met him."

"I even swam across the lake to find him!"

"So did I!"

All the girls seemed eager to relate their story to the stunned and dumbstruck Christine who kept looking desperately toward Raoul and Erik for support. Of course the fact that they were both in the state of trying to suppress a wild bout of laughter did not help matters. But the young girls continued on with their chattering.

"…And he's going to teach me to become a great singer!"

"Me too!"

"And then we're going to get married"

"And live on music alone!"

"Wait, wait, wait! What did you just say?" Christine, who had not been paying all that much attention to the girl's ramblings, found her ears pricking up at the sound of marriage.

Just then one of the girls brushed passed all the others and walked straight up to Erik, whose face lost all signs of amusement instantly. "Oh hey mom. Erik, when are you going to give me my singing lessons? You can't very well seduce me before my voice astounds and shows you how much like Christine I am… minus the selfish bitch part."

Raoul's eyes went wide with glee, as he had to clamp a hand over his mouth to restrain himself. Christine on the other hand, seemed to be trying to control a nervous twitch while Erik backed up slightly.

"Let me get this straight," she began glaring murder at all her '_children_'. "You couldn't have me so you transfer your feelings for me to my children? That's sick!"

"Not me, I'm marrying his son!" The brave girl who dared interrupt the livid woman instantly quieted and faded back into the crowd once Christine locked eyes with the girl.

She then turned her stare back to Erik. "What is it with you and barely legal girls? Just how old do they think you are? And here I thought Viagra was a twentieth century discovery."

She then began to storm from the room while trying to disentangle her self from all the girls clinging desperately to her limbs.

The visible portions of Erik's face flushed bright red. "Christine wait! It's not me! It's Fluff, and Smut, and Sensual, and Bittersweet, and…"

Christine didn't give him time to finish; she had already left the room in disgust. This was just too much for her. It was one thing dealing with one generation of Mary Sues but to have to compete with the second generation too? Not to mention Erik being the ageless wonder/seducer. No, too much more of this and Christine would be about ready to take a vacation with Meg in Cancun… then send Erik and Raoul pictures, mentioning how they're not invited.

Raoul, who had followed her out, sorely interrupted Christine's plans for revenge.

"Come on, don't be like this. How do you think I feel?" he pleaded, but Christine refused to look at the boy.

"Christine, I'm sorry." This time it was Erik, he seemed to have taken a different rout and managed to cut her off.

"You know what, I'm not talking to you." She snapped, holding her head high. She then noticed strange music floating through another closed door. "What's that?"

Something flashed in Erik's eyes as his body became ridged. "I am _not_ going in there," he stated flatly.

Christine looked questioningly to Raoul, resigned in not speaking to Erik.

"Song Fic writers," he answered with a smirk. "Erik absolutely refuses to go anywhere near them these days."

"You would too, if anyone actually liked you enough to write one about you." Raoul scowled but Erik continued. "Do you realize that I know every word to the Evanesence Fallen record? I BLOODY HATE EVANESENCE! Day and night, Evanesence, don't these girls ever listen to anything else? At least the girl from Nightwish can sing!"

Christine, though resigned, found she simply could help herself. "But Erik, your presence still lingers here, and it wont leave me alone. These wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just to real, there's just too much that time can not erase."

"Don't."

"I realize you're afraid. But you can't reject the whole world."

"Please stop, Christine."

"Fallen angels at my feet, whispered voices at my ear, death before my eyes…"

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

"Don't tell me to shut up you dirty old man!"

Though he wasn't about to admit it, Raoul was having one of the best days of his life.

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_**Please R&R!**_


	12. What plot?

_A/N: Okay, this is a much over due update but here it is at last. Just please keep in mind that I'm not attacking anyone and that this is not necessarily my opinion. If you'll notice with the last chapter, I really do like Evanescence, as stated in my profile. I'm sorry if this section echoes a part of your fic but I've only included concepts I've noticed repeated more than once. I've also gone out of my away to draw parallels to my own fics._

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Unable to ignore the increasing yells coming from deep within the opera house, Fluff, Sensual, and Smut headed out to find their favorite trio. It didn't take long before they came across the scene of Erik and Christine trading various creative remarks back and forth while Raoul was practically in tears of amusement.

_This was not right._

The three girls looked to each other with horrified expressions clearly planted across their faces. This was _not_ how things were meant to turn out!

"Oh no! They can't be fighting!" squealed Fluff as they descended closer.

"Maybe this is just some random angst?" Smut suggested casually. They were now close enough to at least partially divert Erik and Christine's attention.

"We have to do something. Our shipping is at stake!" cried Sensual, nearly frantic with worry.

Christine and Erik stopped fighting at once to stare the three girls who had just interrupted them. Christine rolled her eyes wondering what now they were up to, Erik looked slightly pleased, Raoul, worried.

"You know what this means!" again squealed Fluff in a voice similar to that of a banshee's, making Christine cringe.

"Rainstorm session!" they all yelled at once. The girls all huddled together, grinning mischievously.

"Should I be scared?" Christine asked to Erik but he merely shrugged. Raoul on the other hand nodded rapidly and began to back away ever so slowly.

Though it looked as thought they were trying to be discrete, the trio could clearly hear the girl's shrill voices from where they were grouped. Smut seemed to be taking charged. "Okay, first we have to have Christine with Raoul but then…"

"Oh, he ends up cheating on her with Meg."

"No, that's not believable…"

"Well what if he turns into an abusive drunk?"

"Just because?.. I like it!"

"No, no. Because his family cut his inheritance for marrying an opera wench so now they have to live in poverty and he ends up resenting her because of it."

Normally it wasn't too hard to tell the girls apart but strangely it seemed as though their voices melded into one high-pitched _squee, _if that was a word…

"But I like a sympathetic Raoul."

"Okay, so we make him nice but Christine can't stand his society and they don't accept her. She just doesn't fit in, so she decides to leave him."

"Pfft! No one's going to believe that. As if Christine could make a conclusive decision."

Christine scoffed, Erik looked amused.

"Fine that leaves only one option."

"Yes, indeed."

Raoul paled.

"Christine slowly realizes that she loves Raoul as a brother, not as a wife."

Raoul looked slightly satisfied though Christine, for some reason, was not… Raoul wasn't sure why.

"Of course! And since she knows that Raoul deserves more than that she divorces him so that he may have the happy fulfilling marriage that he should have… rather than making love to his sister…" Smut triumphantly cried, very pleased with her self.

Christine was not at all amused. "You guys are sick, you know that, right? We've officially crossed the line into incest now, you do realize that?"

The girls shrugged. "Eh, you should read what comes out of the Harry Potter fandom."

Everyone in the room shuddered.

"Well how long am I married to Raoul before I realize I'm sleeping with my brother then?" Christine asked at last, no longer wishing to think of all the possible, and _thoroughly_ explored HP pairings.

"Give or take a few years I'd say."

Erik just barely suppressed a laugh when Christine shot an Erik worthy glare in his direction. "_You,_ are in no position to comment."

He raised an eyebrow.

Christine, who seemed to have lost all her ethereal beauty that had so encapsulated every man's dreams, glowed with a ferocity beyond this world. "Do you want me to dig out the portrait of Madeline, Mr. I'm in love with my mother?"

The girls and Raoul giggled. Raoul seemed to be very good at giggling like a girl, Christine chose not to notice, he was her husband/brother after all… husband, clearly only a husband…

Christine shuddered.

"Okay, so Christine leaves Raoul because she realizes sex with her brother isn't all that it's cracked up to be."

Why, why, _why!_ were the lives of literary characters forever condemned to be plagued by the minds of fourteen-year-old girls enjoying the perks of puberty? Christine wasn't sure how much more she could take. "So I decide sex with a man who thinks I'm his mother is better?"

"Shht! We're not necessarily Susan Kay writers… anyways, where were we? Oh yes, so she runs back to Erik."

"No, she goes through some unbelievably hard times afterwards so that she has pain that helps her relate to him."

"Excellent idea," chimes in Smut, as though it was and incredibly knew idea. "So after some horrible events on her own, Christine runs into Erik…"

"And of course neither will admit they still love each other..." adds Fluff.

"Which they obviously do…" this time it's Sensual.

Do they really have distinct personalities, Christine wonders. "Despite all evidence on Christine's side claiming differently…" She adds knowing she'll be ignored.

"We'll throw in a lot of angst. And I mean _ANGST!"_

"Oh, Erik throws a near violent temper tantrum…"

"Or comes close to rapping her." Yes, Smut could definitely be described as distinct… or was it as any average seventeen-year-old girl?

Christine glares. "Because we all know how 'hot'rape is…"

Of course she is ignored.

"But then Erik gets sick and Christine nurses him back to health giving him hope that she still cares for him!"

"And then Christine gets sick and Erik nurses her, making her realize how much she cares for him!"

"And then more _ANGST!"_

"Followed up by a steamy sex scene!" Obviously this was Smut, but it was getting increasingly hard to tell… "And to make it complete, Christine removes his mask and doesn't mind at all."

"Of course then they have to get married."

"And Christine bares his child."

"Of course! How perfect!"

"But then what?"

The girls paused. The trio stood horror struck… or in Erik's case, quite proud.

"You know what this means, right?"

They all nodded, malevolent smiles growing upon their glowing facades. This was the moment they had all been waiting for, the moment that made their story truly individual…

"Time to get out, _The Hat_," announced Smut.

"_The Hat_?"

"Yes," Smut replied. "_The Hat of incredibly random plot twists."_

The girls all nodded in reverence. Erik and Raoul were both paler than usual. It was after all, _The Hat of Incredibly Random Plot Twists. _

"And the plot twist is…" Smut pulled out a hat from seemingly nowhere and drove her hand into its blackidly black depth.

Christine thought that Smut was much too enjoying her position of power within the group. As if blackidly black was even a word... "The plot twist is… Erik is a ghost!"

Sensual flung up her hands in annoyance. "Well there goes the having a child idea."

"But they can still be married right? Married in death! How _romantic_." Yes, Fluff seemed very happy in a sublime sort of way while she dazed off into space.

Christine glared, romantic indeed. Next they'll be bringing up necrophilia... "How creepy," she replied monotonously.

Nobody looked particularly impressed, except for Smut that is. The idea of sex with a ghost seemed to help her transcend to another plain of existence.

"Did we hear something about death?"

Great, now Bittersweet and Tragedy had arrived, Christine thought with annoyance. Well, how could they not if the concept of death and Christine or Erik were mentioned in the same sentence? It was, after all, there specialty.

"May I ask you one question before these two start in?" Christine interrupted, focusing her full attention on the E/C'ers. "What exactly is your story's plot?"

The E/C'ers frowned in unison.

"Well we just said it," replied Fluff in confusion.

"Yes, you've mentioned how it turns out E/C." Christine began, wondering if Raoul and Erik forgot the mechanics behind the use of their tongue's. "But what is the actual story line."

"We just said it," again replied Fluff

"Story line?" asked Sensual.

"Well what's the objective of the story other than Erik getting laid?"

"There's another objective?" Smut glared at Christine daring her to admit that there could truly be any other plot that did not involve the idea of Erik receiving the perfect lay. It was proposterus.

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Please R&R!


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